If you’re half divine like Perseus or made of superior DNA ala Master Chief, then mayhaps it’s high time you learned about the Titanium Straw. It’s a beverage straw—made of titanium. Made for immortals.
If you think this sounds nutty, the rationale behind the indestructible product is even more bizarre. it’s purpose is to finally suck every type of drink encased in a container. Ambitious? Of course. We have no idea why the plastic straw even needs to be upgraded though. It has already done wonders for humanity.
Thanks to its titanic titanium nature, the Titanium Straw is tough, lightweight, heat resistant, and would probably survive a nuclear blast.
You do and must read the product page copy prepared for this straw. It’s Pulitzer prize worthy stuff. Here it goes:
Stop what you are doing and share a thought with us: think of all the times you use plastic straws. But more importantly think of all the straws that bend and break in their packaging, or refuse to puncture your juice box. The time has come, friends, to rebel against the plastic straw. The time has come to raise your hand high and hold aloft the straw made of such a powerful material that it was named after the Titans of Greek Mythology. Juice boxes will shudder and beverages everywhere will quake in fear when they see your new Titanium Straw.
To think they even recommended it to vampires. The Titanium Straw can be had for $14.99.
Oh right, the video: